Adventures in Subwaying

Well, I finally have a story to share...

So, I went to get on the train yesterday after work and it took awhile for a Queens-bound train to show up. The one that finally did come was packed with people, but I managed to squeeze in as the last person smushed up against the doors on one of the cars. This was a super-crowded car where every single person is pushed up against at least three other people and there’s not any wiggle room and with every lurch of the train car, everybody leans one way, and then back the other.

Well, there’s this older guy standing kind of in front of me on my left and as the train was rocking, I was thinking, hmm, what has this guy got in his pocket that keeps hitting my leg? It felt like something was poking my thigh. What could it be? A belt buckle? A cell phone? You never know. People are always hitting you with their bags and stuff on the train.

As we neared the station, it was poking me more and more to the point where it was like, it feels like he is almost intentionally rubbing whatever it is on me. Like, I know the train is crowded, but you are pressing on me a little too rhythmically. And, as it turns out, gyratingly. Anyway, we pull into the station, the doors open, I step back, and yup: He has a giant boner and has been poking me with it, as I can only assume, on purpose. EW!

I didn’t know what to do, and am not good with public confrontations, especially since I am always naively giving people the benefit of the doubt. So I just shifted position so he couldn’t touch me anymore. By the time I had convinced myself that it was probably not an accident, an unfortunately-shaped colostomy bag or an innocent "so crowded I had to hump your leg" king of thing, he had gotten off. The train, that is. Then again, he may have gotten off in the other way also.

In retrospect I definitely wish I had just gone with my instinct and said, “To hell with the crowded train, stop touching me!” Really loud. And then punched him in the wiener. But alas, I didn’t. I feel icky.

Moral of the story: Wait for the next train.